Trust Your Struggle
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?
It has taken my whole life to believe and embrace this verse. I’ve learned that all my old unhealed wounds are protected with material stronger than steel, scars of a broken heart, and cause most of the battles in my life. My innate response is to protect those wounds. If someone pokes that area, I will go into battle mode.
For instance, just let a colleague talk down to me. I will bristle with razor-sharp edges and transform into a tough, street girl. My whole demeanor will change; my physical appearance will even change, shoulders rise, chest out, fires spark in my eyes, and my language becomes sharp and cold. My adrenalin will kick in and I’ll be up for the fight, not physical, but verbal.
What is that all about?
The fear that tried to grab my soul with gnarly knuckles and sharp nails is the wound called “I’m not good enough.” “WAIT!” My conscience warns, “Is this a wound that is not healed yet? Have I taken their offensive dig too personally, again? Those gnarly fingers and sharp nails are not grabbing for my soul. They are the hands of wisdom. They are there to shroud my soul in camouflage so intruders don’t invade my vulnerability. They hold my soul tenderly and allow me to examine my wound encrusted with sorrow, shame, and fear.
My wounds can be tiny, unhealed wounds or a great big one. They can be a fear or an insecurity, which might be the same, or even a sensitivity. When I overreact and am ready to “fight” it is a signal that something is wrong inside of me. It’s a call to examine the quarreling inside of myself and define what makes me want to fight back. Underneath the quarreling is a whisper that says, “Sheryl, here is your chance to heal.” I try to listen because it is my deepest desire to stop the battle inside of me, to be complete, and all that God created me to be.
By Sheryl Dorney